Allow me to introduce myself

I wouldn’t call my relationship with food toxic per se, just mildly radioactive.

I’m not much of a dieter, I love to eat and I love to cook food, I also love to eat my feelings (though that may be more of a self-loathing thing). I’ve tried and failed just about every quest to cut calories, and I was ok with it…not happy, but ok with it.

Besides, if quitting a diet meant I could start eating grilled cheese again, I was cool. But until recently I had resigned myself to a diet-free existence.

Welp, I’m in it now.

Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. With almost no previous dieting or lifestyle altering experience under my belt, I’ve decided to try whole30.

So…what the hell is that?

Great question, thoroughly interested reader. Essentially, whole30 is a program where, for 30 days, the participant (me, aka the glutton for punishment formerly known as the glutton for doritos) does not consume grain, dairy, legumes, or processed sugar. It’s very similar to the paleo diet, except one big condition to whole30 is that you aren’t supposed to use “approved” ingredients to recreate your favorite foods, that means no “paleo pizzas” or “fig brownies” and the like.

Basically, for 30 whole days you don’t eat anything that resembles crap.

The program was designed by nutritionists Melissa and Dallas Hartwig to encourage people to eat better and allow their digestive systems to repair themselves from bad food habits (AKA gorging on doritos…not that I have ever done such a thing as I am a paragon of good behavior). The result is an improvement of overall health, energy, and in many cases, an improvement in mood.

Yah, so they tell me.

That’s all well and good, but I predict some hella food tantrums coming from this very unholistic participant.

Which is why I’m here. I figure I’m going to fight this, hard, and I was hoping that by making myself accountable I’d maybe have a prayer of sticking with it.

Plus I’m a hostile dieter, like, really truly hostile. This could get hella funny.

So, with a healthy dose of honesty, shamelessness and just a touch of creative profanity, I embark on a **gulp** CLEANSE!?!?!?

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